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Monthly Archives: November 2007

Monday morning.

Last night, I heard from Tammy. Well, more to the point, I called her and she answered–which was surprising to me given the events some 14 hours before.

We talked and things are OK–as OK as they can be after we’ve both now seen each other’s monsters.

I can’t let her go. It’s clearly that simple. Tammy is an amazing woman with a sharp sense of humor and an inquisitive mind. And, she has this need to disappear every so often for a couple days and get drunk. The person I gave the ride to Sunday morning was a different human being than the one I fell for in July.

So yes, to answer my previous question, it is *always* a construct we fall in love with. You may think that you love someone, but in reality–face it–you love a reflection of yourself. Otherwise why do you get so pissed at someone when they do something “out of character?”

The night before, I told her I hated her. Emotions. She was rather mean to me, and I am no good in an argument. Of course, I didn’t mean that, but it felt like this wouldn’t fix. I am still not entirely sure it will. Today though, it’s OK.

Something was badly bent that night though. Or maybe it’s that my eyes were forced open. Not so much to this so-called other side of her, but to the nature of love. Love isn’t pleasant, love isn’t pretty. Love is pain, and the most wonderful gift one being can give another.

Love is love. And I love you, Tammy.


I have a flat tire.

And my love is truly gone from me. Or maybe it was never there and I fell for a construct of my own making? Of her making? Our making?

She was so mean and so drunk. And that she could do this with her son at home, what does that say about what I mean to her. A good fuck perhaps. Here’s another empty promise John!

I feel like an ass. But I see what her “estranged husband” goes through and I realize that poor bastard will be me a year from today if I let her run roughshod over me with her need to drink. I cannot do that to myself. I will do anything for love (and I have Mr Meatloaf Aday, I have) but I won’t do that.

I understand addiction–and holding to an addiction in the face of those you love. If I thought leaving her would make a difference in how she saw things, that it would snap her out of this.

It won’t. This is for me. I love you Tammy, but you are lost to me–maybe you never existed. But you did and you do and holding on to you any longer is like holding hot metal that always gets hotter. It hurts to hold you. And I cannot ignore the searing pain and burning meat smell any longer. It hurts too much.

So I sit here at Brueggers, drowning my sorrows in consumerism. Tammy, if you read this, know that I love you. I always will. Look for me. The flat tire was an easy fix–My jack sucks, but AAA rocks!

My heart will take longer to heal.

…I hope I can finally figure out why it is I do the things I do.

You know, when you do things you know are wrong, wrongheaded and simply destructive. What’s worse, you do them without realizing you did it. And then you’re left afterward with the bitter aftertaste of “What the fuck was I thinking?”

In other news, I got my first birthday card for lucky 39. The CEO of Captaris, where I work, hand-writes birthday cards to employees. Very sweet. He also sends holiday greetings late in the afternoon. John Ambrose, God bless him, would at least send them out before the holiday. Aaah. Who’s to say what goes through the heads of CEOs?

I am almost finished with Turboblues, my book of poetry. Technically, it’s done. I stopped adding material to it months ago and have it published by the fine folks at Lulu., search for “turboblues” and there it will be.

I have yet to add a bio, acknowledgements, ISBN, all the things that would make it ready for retail. Then, you should be able to order it through Amazon as well. In any case, I ordered four copies of the book as it is now. This way I can look it over and have some copies to hand out to Mom, Katy and Dad. Once it’s where it should be for proper distribution I will post it here and beg everyone I know to buy my frickin’ book.

From over here at Safehouse. Did you know there is a difference between good lube and bad lube? This is, of course, a no-brainer: The quality is all. Conversation is where you find it, whether you were looking for it or not.

Anyway, I came here to get an iced chai (yumm), to try to check my iTunes (meh) and to get hold of the user guide for my new router.

Strange bruises,
Strange bruises.

What the fuck
Do you do
When I don’t see you?

I woke up really early, the love of my life snoozing beside me, and I felt, well, hungry. Hadn’t eaten since Bruegger’s yesterday.

But the hell with that, I got to see my gurlfrend last nite!!! yayy!!

The stars aligned, hope sprung eternal, and the universe was just we two. Wow. If ever a word was more ideal, it would be that word at that sacred moment. Wow.

This morning, I planned on taking care of getting my car title transferred. But ah! Veteran’s Day! So I have some time on my hands.And I am here at Ike’s on Speedway.

Tried to get cable. No dice at that apartment. So, like the US Pacific Fleet in WWII, I am faced with a severe limitation and must improvise a plan of attack. Nice huh? worked in a little military talk to celebrate the day.

Here’s the thing. I don’t have internet at home. Qwest is bullshit, and none of the cable modem vendors are contracted to operate in the complex.

Well THANK FUCKING HEAVEN for free wireless (and T-Mobile). And, thank heaven for MediaMax. I just signed up for storage space there, and plan to upgrade to much bigger next month. In the meantime, I am going to move the stuff I need/want close to that site.

See, hard drives are getting cheaper, but they’re still hard drives. moving parts, prone to breakdown. This MacBook is most of the way to ideal for a laptop in the 21st century: thin, light and fast. Only thing: It has a hard drive. Ick. In fact, it’s so thin that I forget the hard drive is in there. Easy to do…

A year from now, I predict that solid state SATA laptop drives will be available cheaply enough for the upgrade to be possible. They’re there now: 64 GB drives ready to drop into a waiting laptop. But they’re not available where a person (me, say) could buy one and drop it into this laptop.

A similar evolution happened with iPods. iPods were basically hard drives with a simple OS on top of them. Because they used hard drives for so long, I have avoided them like the plague. That is, until the iPod Nano came out in 2005 and was suddenly a feasible choice. I waited till the 2nd Generation Nano came out to finally take the plunge with the 8 GB model. Now, solid-state is the way the iPod will go moving forward. this will also be true of new laptops a few years from now. The computer as corner shrine in the living room or the kitchen is an artifact of the 1990s, and if it’s not apparent to you now, it sure will be in a short while. Apple led the way with the Digital Hub concept, and laptops without spinning hard disks will be a step in that evolution.

So here is the vision of a scant three years hence….

I’m sitting in some coffee joint (like this one) with a 32 GB solid-state drive in this old MacBook (64 or 128 would be better of course, but 32, I’ve determined, is trim enough to be usable without being a huge drag). The rest of my world is online, with storage at MediaMax and other spots, accessed when necessary, and containing all the data I need. At home, a hard drive which I would use as my disaster recovery device with Time Machine, or its descendant.

In essence, my crap will be available wherever I have a connection. And since that will be the case, there will no longer be any need to keep a massive hard drive inside the computer. Enough for the OS, applications and some storage, but the 160 GB drive in this MacBook will be superfluous and wasteful–How much of my battery is devoted to spinning up this stupid disk? And, we’re all one well-placed drop away from losing everything if the read/write heads are not properly parked on these fool machines.

Only thing: Virtual Memory. Windows is useless without some quick paging of memory back to the hard drive–I had a 750 MB file on the C drive of my old Dell that was only for paging. I imagine this Mac has the same thing. You used to be able to turn VM off on the old Macs, but that was because it actually dragged performance down on those old SCSI drives and 680×0 processors.

Apple’s .mac service has storage (10 GB–hell, I have that between two thumb drives!), and all the other online services (Google and MS) are following suit (sort of, in Google’s case).

I am keeping my eye out on eBay. Dell is already offering 32 GB SS drives for their machines. eBay has listings for the 32s as well. I am eyeing this for the “coming soon” list.

Sunday morning. No traffic, people out jogging, clutching coffee cups like they contained salvation, the cure or their fortune. And likely they do.

I am at Bruegger’s on Broadway and Alvernon and at the register: The loveliest young girl I’ve seen in years. Shiny fresh face, beautiful smile, no pores.

Disgustingly pretty. I can’t stop looking. But I do. I am transfixed but not an ass.

The morning was not as enchantingly beautiful as yesterday but I still grabbed pics of what I could. It’s frankly not as much fun as being with Tammy and seeing it with her. I do wonder if she actually did have fun. It seemed like maybe I was having more fun yesteday than she was. I don’t know. I do know she’s not answering the phone. At all. I obsess, but I refuse to worry.

Anyway, I am uploading all the pictures. Even the outtakes. I’ve just picked up 40 GB from Google, so dammit I’m using all of it while I can.

Saguaro National Park is, to slightly paraphrase Tammy, where God is. Indeed, if God is anywhere, God is there.

Which may explain in part or in whole why the moment is only enchanting with someone you love. Why the camera, though capable of capturing the light at a given moment, only captures that light. God cannot observe God through a machine. God can only observe God through the lenses God has developed for the task and with the processor at hand, not the CCD or the CPU. Because a place has placeness that cannot be captured adequately except by and in the context we bring to it.

Here are the pics I’ve taken for your perusal. I’ve included everything–even the blurred and the multiple takes. I can afford it.

On the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month…

It was 89 years ago today that the Great War ended. The first example of exactly how brutal the so-called “civilized world” could be. In fact you can thank the shame of the victors on that day for the bigger horrors visited upon us all in 1939. If the Allies hadn’t punished Germany like they did for starting the war (like Germany had a choice, in her view), Hitler would have been another asshole artist hanging around the kaffehaus kvetching.

Aaah, ancient history perhaps, but we live with the consequences of November 11, 1918 to this very day, almost a hundred years later.

This morning I am on a mission. During the previous two-and-a-half hours I was on a different mission, waiting for my girlfriend to call. You know, a scant twenty-four hours earlier, she and I were together. I was driving her to look at this wonderful pace called Desert House of Prayer,
which is this wonderful retreat not that far from I-10 and Ina road.

It was beautiful. She was beautiful. The moment was beautiful!

Now, of course, it’s back to business as usual. Where did she dissappear to this time? Or, is she not taking my calls? As I said in an earlier post, I must be ready for her not being around. I have to not be so fucking needy! It’s almost a certainty she’s with the hippies. It seems they get more time with my girlfriend than I do. (stop that John!)

Well, in an effort to be as good to myself as possible in times like these, and avoid the pitfalls that can send me into depression and worse in times like these, I came up with an idea.

My regret yesterday was that I didn’t have camera in hand to photograph the manifestation of God which was all around us. Well, this time I have a camera. And it’s kind of a nice one. It’s an Aiptek, an example of low-cost implementations of new technology. Specifically, a cheap H.264 camcorder. Hi-Def. Save your oohs and aaahs please. I’ll let you know how it does in daylight. its nighttime capabilities are surprisingly good. And, it’s Mac-ready, which I like. I’ll post some videos from my upcoming sojourn, if any are worthy.

More later…

No shit!

I decided I wanted to put up a web page (again) to use as a staging area for my old content from which used to be hosted on Earthlink waaaayyyy back when. Much love to the Internet Archive for saving these in something resembling their original configuration.

Since there were (and are) things that never saw the light of day on those sites but were FTP’d up there all the same for experimental or storage reasons, They won’t be easily covered by the Wayback Machine. In most cases, I still have copies of these files. I’ve lost a lot though: I wish I could unearth the original Sheena’s Poetry Slam from Geocities, or the white Turboblues Unlimited page–if only to see my rabid Mac-centric self again for a while. Such a proud little coder was I…

Which leads me to my new web page, currently under construction. A lot has happened in the last six years since coding HTML was relevant for me. I can do it–HTML 3.0–but it’s boring… So, in the spirit of giving myself over to the great Googlenaut, I started in with Google’s Page Creator.


If the creator of the the original Turboblues website caught wind of that, he’d break an SE/30 over my bald head. But I am all about getting the damned thing done, not fiddle-fucking around with HTML tables. I am so done with that–unless I’m being hired to do it of course (way to do yourself a favor bro…).

Google’s Page Creator is an online WYSIWYG page builder, like a lot of free services have around. It’s actually quite user-friendly if you’ve never typed a break tag in your life. If you have, oh it’ll piss you off. There are a series of templates which, while attractive in a non-specific way, are someone else’s idea of tasteful design. Not mine.

I guess I shouldn’t bitch. I mean, I have things all set up to publish to the web in a more traditional way. This is the price for being lazy…

Happy Birthday Tammy. I love you.

Read the Tao Te Ching. It will change your life if you let it and get out of its way. So too with The Power of Now, though don’t let Eckhart Tolle know that–anyone who would change his name to match one of the great Christian mystics (Meister Eckhart), well, I’m jealous he thought of it first, dammit.

John Eckhart. Nice ring. Actually, Meister Eckhart’s first name was Johannes, which comes from the same root as John. So there you go.

I was raised Catholic, and as you’d probably expect grew restless at what I was told was true. So, no more church. I came back into spirituality from science. That is, I was intensely interested in cosmology, quantum physics and quantum mechanics when I was in my early 20s. At the same time, I read a lot on quantum mechanics. I came across The Tao of Physics, as well as Nada Brahma – The World Is Sound. These books put the bug in my head that all truly isn’t as it seems. And, to quote Peter O’Toole in the marvelous movie Creator, “We can never know anything.” Science, philosophy and religion were merging again–finally!–in the form of quantum physics and taoism.

Now I should point out that the taoism I speak of bears almost no resemblance to the religion practiced by the Chinese until Mao came into power. That Taoism was an agglomeration of Confucianism, Lao Tzu’s Taoism, a little Buddhism and ancient traditions that resisted extinction. The Tao Te Ching is a small book and describes a very natural state of being. One where harmony and balance are important, and things like “good” and “evil” are not so important. You cannot have evil without good, and vice versa.

I’m glossing over a lot of fine points. Cut to fifteen years later. I am in a completely different space in my life. Older, divorced, burned out. Through a series of events I will go into at some future date, I ended up in a hospital trying to fix the mess that was my life. At that time, I dove head-first into a search for, for lack of a better term, God.

Unfortunately, that word has picked up a lot of unnecessary and disruptive connotations based on the Judaeo-Christian view of God as a person. I say that because I’ve found that that description, in short, is not God.

Y’know what sealed the deal for me, and in the process opened me up to a whole new way of thinking? Yep. The Tao Te Ching. I was sitting in my parked car one afternoon looking at the first chapter of the Tao Te Ching. “The Tao that can be described is not the Eternal Tao.” Then, it hit me. If you replaced the word “Tao” with “God,” you have an ideal way to describe the infinite nature of God.


It just made sense. It allowed so many things I’d observed and found to ring true to coalesce into a new way of thinking.

If God sits at the pinnacle of creation, with nothing greater than He, is He, then, infinite? I would say yes, if only because if He isn’t, He isn’t God. He’s just some fruitcake like the demiurge the gnostics describe. If God, then, is infinite, then where within that infinity would little Johnny Grow stand?

I will let that sink in. Suffice to say, it just makes sense. Some of it isn’t nice or comfortable, but what is the corpse that needs God to be nice or comfortable?

After a while, you get tired of staring at a mute phone.

Tammy is going through a bunch of issues. I guess I must be one of them. I haven’t seen her in almost a week, and she is loveless in tone the handful of times she’s actually answered the phone. That is likely because I am low on her list of priorities. She is depressed and, in the interests of helping her, I must accept that i have lost her.

I am tired of being avoided and of being told one thing and shown another. Tammy, I will always love you. The best birthday present you could ever give to me is to come back to me.